An Open Letter To The Butt Swab

 Nurseries and maternity photos are all really cool elective things that pregnancy has to offer. You can decorate their rooms as much or as little as you’d like; and you can get as fancy or as casual as you’re comfortable with, with maternity photos if you chose to do them.

But what about all the things in pregnancy that you don’t have a choice about?

Internal sonograms, the glucose test and those giant prenatals that even an elephant would have a hard time swallowing…not the most pleasant things that this process has to offer. Speaking of unpleasant…you know what else isn’t very enjoyable? The butt swab. 

More commonly referred to as the Group B Strep test, it takes place around the 35 week mark and I totally psyched myself out over it. There’s going to be enough stuff happening down there pretty soon –  the last thing I wanted was something poking around my butt. But ladies – I’m here to tell you to relax and to let you all know that it is not at all anything to freak out about. It’s all external (thank you sweet baby Jesus!) and definitely something that is important to make sure your babe is delivered healthy, happy and safe!

Now, from what I understand, not all obstetricians require this precautionary measure – butt because I freaked myself out so much over this test, I had written an open letter to my butt swab test to try to come to peace with it. It read:

Hey there…how’s it goin?

I’ve been counting down the days until we’re due to meet. I’ll be honest with you, it hasn’t been something I’ve been looking forward to. I don’t know you – you don’t know me. Let’s face it, it’s going to be awkward. But it has to be done.

It’s just that – I have so many questions, I don’t even know where to start. Will we get along? Will you be an ass?  Will you reject me? Will I reject you?  I’ve never met anyone like you before. I’m not sure exactly what to expect. Do you go by your full name, Group B Streptococcus? Strep B, for short perhaps? If you’re comfortable with it, I’d like to just call you ‘Butt Swab’…it makes the whole meeting process just a little less intimidating for me.

I’ve heard from friends that you’re tall and slender. My body has been through some changes over the past several months and I don’t look like what I used to. I have a really booty-ful personality but the shape of my physical appearance right now is…round. I hope that won’t be bothersome.

There’s been a lot of things during this pregnancy that have been quite a surprise – but I must say, you really take the cake. When I found out that we’d be meeting at 35 weeks, I just haven’t been able to get you off my mind. I know our meeting place won’t be the fanciest or most romantic. I was hoping that I’d be able to show myself to you in a more charming setting…but the fluorescent lighting and noisy tissue paper on the bed will simply have to do. We’ll make the best of it, hopefully.

I’ll be coming straight from work, so I’ll do my best to freshen up and look my best – although this heat and humidity have been straight dreadful. I apologize in advance if I’m not at my best…it’s officially sweat season, you know.

Soon enough we will meet. I expect that you’ll have to leave shortly after – and I’m okay with that. You do you, butt swab. I know with open relationships such as this, you have ‘others’ that require your attention. I understand. From the sounds of things, you have a pretty demanding job and I admire that. Let’s just agree to not make this a pain in the butt…but rather just a short, sweet and to-the-point kind of thing.

Turns out, the scary butt swab was honestly nothing to stress over.  But I regret nothing about that quart of ice cream I stress-ate over it. #noragrets

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