What We Actually Mean When We Say We’re “Uncomfortable”

Once you pee on that stick and you have a confirmed pregnancy on your hands – or uterus, rather…prepare to be smothered with questions. 

How are you feeling?”                      “Are you sleeping okay?”

            “Do you have any morning sickness?”                     “Do you have any cravings?”

…and that’s usually just in the beginning. You might find that as your pregnancy progresses, like your lump of love smashing your lungs, the questions you’re asked may too become seemingly suffocating. It’s almost as if there are no boundaries. Complete strangers will feel that it’s okay to ask when you’re due and distant family members you haven’t seen in years will be totally okay with asking how much weight you’ve gained. I’m still figuring out the whole thought process, or lack thereof, that some people have. You wouldn’t go to your high school reunion, walk up to an old classmate whose had gastric bypass and ask them if they’ve had any cravings lately…or at least I wouldn’t.

I can’t necessarily speak for all mama birds out there…but the questions get kinda old, kinda real fast…especially the ones that push those boundaries. No matter the question though, we human growers try to stay polite and classy…while attempting to keep the sass to a moderate level when all we really want to say is “go sit on a cactus”. So it’s likely we may come back with a response like, “I’m just uncomfortable”.

Lucky for you all, I’m here to enlighten you on what ‘uncomfortable’ might actually mean.

 

“I’m hungry for everything and nothing at the same time”

Easily one of the most frustrating things everrr. You’re practically starving over here but you can’t make up your damn mind as to what you’re actually hungry for. Pizza? Chinese? Chipotle? You want it all – but at the same time you can’t seem to make up your poor pregnant mind. You also know that no matter what you eat, it’s going to give you heartburn from hell…so you’re better off just being hungry. Then you get mad at the world and all who inhabit it because you’re still hungry but can’t just decide. As you can imagine, not only does this cause for an extreme level of uncomfortableness, but it’s also pretty irritating.

“I haven’t pooped in what feels like 3 years”

Have you seen that new movie, Constipated? It must not have come out yet. During pregnancy, we have our lovely hormones to blame for not only not giving a crap…but also for not being able to crap. It’s like when your mouth writes all the checks and your ass can’t cash them. You feel bogged down, miserable and just straight up gross – probably one of the worst feelings in the world. Just from this short description, I think the general population can understand why being constipated and pregnant can make for some uncomfortable feelings.

“I have a hemorrhoid the size of a golf ball”

Unfortunately, these bad boys are all too common during pregnancy. That porcelain throne will now be referred to as The Ring of Fire. Luckily for most, they’ll likely clear up after delivery. Until then you cringe at the thought of thongs, sitting for long periods of time and especially at the mere thought of trying to drop the kids off at the pool. Just self-sooth by softly singing “let it gooooo, let it goooo”. Uncomfortable would be the nice way to describe these little assholes (butt puns, ha).

“Everything’s sweating”

I’m pretty sure whoever came up with the term ‘pregnancy glow’ was just trying to find a nice way to say pregnancy sweat. When you’re 8 months pregnant in the middle of July (where my homegirls at?) you can best believe we spend a lot of time (hopefully in the AC) kicking ourselves for not thinking about how much it was going to suck when we found out we were pregnant back in January – and for not ‘planning’ things a little better. Even if you go the dress route sometimes the heat, hormones and sweat are just no match. The swamp ass is too strong and sadly there’s no way to defeat it.

“I am but my child’s punching bag”

Imagine someone walking beside you, poking you…nonstop, 24/7. While you eat, while you sleep, while you try to poop. Those cute little baby kicks have now become a foot stuck up underneath your ribs and you’re left walking around like Quasimodo because that’s the only thing that helps. Just call it pregnancy swag, I guess? But still, very uncomfortable.

“Sleep? What is that?”

Sleep deprivation is expected when that little bundle of joy arrives. All-nighters, followed by all-dayers filled with full diapers, crying and feedings. But how many of us think about how much we won’t be able to sleep in those months leading up to this? Sleep as much as you can before baby gets here…is what everyone says. Well, you can take those words and shove them up your [probably] free flowing poop shoot. Between the heartburn, back pain, restless legs and nausea…when do you expect for me to sleep? It’s a whole hot mess of uncomfortable.

I could probably keep this list going long enough to have you here reading it for the next couple of hours, but we’ll leave it here. I ask that those wishing to inquire about a pregnancy be a little more compassionate and mindful of the questions you ask – and take into consideration the myriad of different things we might mean when we simply say we’re “uncomfortable”.

 

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